Church Bulletin Bloopers

I saw these on OldLutheran.com. They are Church Bulletin bloopers, I think there friggin hilarious.
Old Lutheran HumorChurch Bulletin Bloopers
·For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
·Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
·Evening massage - 6 p.m.
·The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
·Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
·Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
·The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
·Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
·The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
·Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
·Ushers will eat latecomers.
·The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
·During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
·Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
·Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
·Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
·Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
·22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
·The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
·Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ·The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
·This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
·Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
·Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
·Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
·This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
·The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
·Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
·The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
·A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
·At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
·The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
·Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
·Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
·Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
·The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
·The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."